Here are some things to do while it’s colder outside than your fragile blood can handle. Most of these activities will require common, household items. A few of them may require some foresight.
1-See how fast you can sit. Don’t mistake this for seeing how quickly you can sit down. Once you are seated, see how quickly you can continue to sit. Whoever wins will eventually realize they are alone in an empty house they had to break into to avoid the bitter, heartless cold.
2-Drink everything you have in your house, even if it’s not a liquid. The Mayans used to do this once.
4-It’s probably really fun to make your own lightbulbs.
5-Gather a lot of sticks together and bundle them with your favorite belt. Rita will love you again.
6-Play a rousing game of where’s the boxes! All you need to do is have yoar friend Jeremy hide all the boxes. If you find all the boxes it yore turn to hide them from Jeremy.
7-Make yourself a romantic dinner! This ones easy if you have any food left! What’s do you like? Clams? Baked clams are a great way to get to second base.
9-Put on all of your jackets and sleep for 17 hours. When you wake up, keep the jackets on.
10-Exercise is imprtant.
11-Gather a lot of sticks together and bundle them with your favorite belt. Rita will love you again.
12-Water still running? Great! Now you can fill the sink and then drain it and then fill it and then drain it and then fill it and then drain it and then fill it and then drain it and then fill it and then drain it and then fill it and then drain it and fill it and rain it andfill it an ddrain it and fill it
13-Invest in a tuner. They’re a simple essential and they make nice beeping noises you can have happen for ever.
14-Finally figure out what that sound in the walls is.
15-Call Rita. She still doesn’t answer.
16-Don’t forget to eat food! Make a game out of it. Stack strips of meat counterclockwise from the position of the sun then count to 30. Eat one piece and take a long bath. Return to the meat and turn off all the lights. Say your name backwards and lay down. Then have Rita turn the lights on. All the meat is gone but there’s a surprise for you instead!
16-Run in place until your food comes out.
16-Soak some rags in milk and leave them outside for the Oldest Man.
16-Cover all of your mirrors with trash bags and turn off all the lights in the house. Take pictures around your house to find them.
17-Paint your floor grey.
18-Another great way to pass the time when the space between your door and outside has become a monument to the errors of man wearing the shape of a child. Rita’s face stretched across miles of oily black rock. An obelisk thundering infinite over your front yard speaking in the shrieked tongues of the ancients. The ooze of time and all things putrid seeping into your chambers. Gnarled shadows of the Oldest Man lurching into your sanctuary. Your only corner. The briny sweat of always drips onto your brow and burns sulfurous into your mottled flesh; BLANKET FORTS!!!
19-Make papier mache masks of all of your firends and male them to them
20-Warm up with a good book by the fire. Maybe Rita is in it.
1-Try not to die.
2-Don’t rape or murder anyone ever. Killing animals is okay if your culture requires you to do so for survival.
3-It’s probably best to just not interact with children in any way at all unless they are legally your responsibility, either permanently or temporarily (Parents, Teachers, Caretakers, etc.) That said, if you are legally responsible for them, please refer to step number 2.
4-Don’t be racist.
5-Pursue happiness. If this pursuit should require the breaking of steps 1-4, please reevaluate your idea of happiness.
6-Eat food that you like.
7 through 20 are all wild card entries.
There’s a lot of advice out there on how to become really good, really fast. This is the most comprehensive guide available. Simplified for your reading pleasure. Feel free to share and ask questions. Here goes!
1-Make sure your instrument is physically comfortable to play. Action, the age of the strings, neck shape, body size..all of these factors can impact your ability to be the best you can be!
2-Practice smart, not hard. Don’t repeat exercises too much. Once you have something down, challenge yourself and push further. This step also involves the duration of practice. I find that spending more than an hour practicing per session becomes redundant. Be honest about your abilities, and your progress.
3-Make sure the room is 67 degrees Fahrenheit. This tip may seem unusual at first, but all the greats practiced in a strict 67 degree temperature. This allows for your joints to be their most fluid, and easy to repair.
4-Expensive doesn’t mean better. While at times, a more expensive piece of equipment can mean higher quality construction and materials, this doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll be playing better. It sounds harsh, but why crash a mercedes when you can’t drive a geo?
5-It’s cliched, but: Less is more! When you’re practicing, practice your *guitar*. What we mean is, get comfortable with your instrument before you start to introduce all sorts of effects and accessories. This means in your playing too! Similar to tip number 4, don’t bother with that crazy tapping solo when you’re still struggling with chords!
6-Eat a lot of very greasy, buttery foods. This will allow your fingers to be really slick and fast and delicious. Also, your stomach will become a comfortable resting place for your guitar. Your guitar will appreciate the extra cushioning and be easier to play.
8-Invest in a tuner. They’re a simple essential and they make nice beeping noises you can have happen for ever.
9-Make sure you buy extra strings. Various lengths and colors. Some strings are made of silk and very expensive. Tie a string around your finger until your finger turns purple. Then turn on your tuner and let the beeps soothe you into darkness.
10-Cover yourself in dirt and bandaids and maybe a few bruises (not real. don’t hurt yourself on purpose!) This will make people think you worked very hard, even if you’re a terrible musician or your guitar is actually a pillow. Whenever someone says “What happened to your neck and arms and face?” you have to say “Oh man. My amp is SO loud.”
11-Practice in total darkness as often as possible. Maybe even more than is possible. Also close your eyes while in total darkness. This may seem pointless, but it helps cast out the false confidence your lying eyes give you.
12-There are a lot of great finger exercises on the web. They’re well worth utilizing and will increase both your speed and stamina while playing!
13-Grow all of your hair out until it becomes difficult to maintain. All of it. Your body hair as well.
14-If you’re having trouble reading music, invent your own.
15-Be as loud as possible. Not just while practicing or even if you can’t see your guitar. Just always be very, very loud. Everywhere.
16-Do a bunch of riddles before and after you practice guitaring. This will help your riddle gland stay at a healthy size and not get in the way of your guitar fingers.
17-Learning some favorite songs will be a nice way to stunt your creativity!
18-Find your comfort scents. Whatever they are. Lavender, Lavandar, Burnt Kid, Honey Oil, Scar Magic, Yellow, Wet. Whatever.
19-Go to a lesson troll. He will put bad ideas in your head and you will know what to never ever ever do ever in life.
20-Do not play guitar.
This list was researched and compiled and written and everything by doctors Ian “Baloney Wrench” Sutherland and Nnamdi Hair Castle “Ogbonnaya”.
I just deleted the FUCK out of a big long thing about everything.
Easily summed up in a few little slices. Delicious!
Realization 1: Real conversations win every time. I would like to talk more. And argue more. And agree more. And be left with nothing more to say…more.
Realization 2: It’s terrifying that we might be entering into world war three soon. I live in a very large metropolitan area and will probably be vaporized. I must live accordingly.
Realization 3: Nobody, myself included, is as smart as they pretend to be, or would like to be perceived as.
Realization 4: People who define themselves by how they prefer to have sex are a little silly.
Realization 5: Intelligence is not how much you know, but how well you utilize it. You can’t stop at hiding behind your degrees, and the books you’ve read. You must reinterpret, rebuild and propel. I fear that most of my generation is failing to understand this, and are swiftly becoming recording devices with really arrogant playback functions.
Realization 6: Undercooked chicken is very dangerous.
Realization 7: As often as possible, you must shut up.
and finally, Realization 8: There are a few things that are as big a deal as they seem, whether good, or bad. Those things are: All out war, Marshall Law, The complete disregard of our constitution, bullshit social consciousness, candy, fresh vegetables, being generally decent because you’d like to be, not because you feel you have to be and honesty. All else is only important-per-situation.
Nix was all “YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO WELCOME TO NIGHT VALE” and then I was all four hours latered and now I’m thoroughly entertained and spooked.
I hope to somehow make music for them.
Countless hundreds pay countless hundreds to support the career of a known pedophile.
A SIMPLE GUIDEUE ON BECKOMING A HAWK.
Good jobif you are already a hawk.
Stepone: Go to sleep.
Step two: Wake up like it’s normal,
Step thrre: Go to a place where you can run very fast for a very long time
4: Do it.
Step fi:ve when you feel fast enough … leap
STEP SIX LAST STEP: be hawk.
gratulate. you are hawk.
Tip[s provided by Candy John and chocolate ghost.
BONUSS TIPP: DON’T FOCUS ON QUANTITY.